Whose Story Are You Living? Learning the Art of Living Authentically
Whose story are you living? It’s easy to say, “It’s mine,” but is it really? Living authentically is a journey, not a destination, and I had to walk this journey quite a while ago, but my story runs in the opposite direction from what we generally think of when we talk of expectations. Your parents had expectations for you, you have them for your children, and it will continue through time. I think most kids try to live up to some version of their parents’ narrative; not all, but most. What happens when you realize that you’re trying to live a story that is not true to you?
Recognizing the Stories that Shape Us
We’re made up of a lot of history that comes down through generations of shared and disparate experiences. This history inevitably makes its way into our lives, through family values, traditions, and pressures. Additionally, we deal with the role of cultural norms and societal success markers, like careers, relationships, and status. You also have internalized beliefs that you’ve carried with you. After one poor math exam, you may have told yourself, “I’m just not good at math,” and it became part of your story. “I’m not creative” may be a translation for “I’ve never found a creative activity I enjoy.” However they come about, they’re stories, and if you’ve been telling them to yourself, they’ve become your story. That’s going to make living authentically really difficult.
The Signs You’re Living Someone Else’s Story
Are you living someone else’s story? How would you know? There are a few things that will give it away. For one thing, if you feel unfulfilled or disconnected from your daily life, you may be living someone else’s story. Another clue is if you have a bunch of “shoulds” that guide your decisions all the time. (I had a teacher once that said, “We tend to ‘should’ all over ourselves.”) You might also feel a lack of alignment between your values and actions. You may not even be able to feel completely connected to the values you state you hold. Finally, you may feel a resentment, or even a sense of burnout that stems from chasing after goals that don’t feel like they’re yours. In general, you just won’t feel like you’ve been living authentically.
How to Identify Your True Story
If you aren’t completely sure the story you’re living is the one you want to write, you don’t have to continue writing it or reading it. There are a few things you can do to figure it out. Start by asking yourself some questions. What brings me joy, or a sense of purpose? What values do I hold most dear? What would I do if no one were watching? In addition to asking and answering these questions, you need to really tune into your gut feelings and emotions. There aren’t “wrong” feelings, just true and not-true feelings. Seek to grab hold of those true feelings, and own them. Claim them as yours. You’ll use them as you move forward in the process. You also have to analyze where any external influences have shaped your life trajectory. It’s easy to blame parents, but there are other influences as well, from friends and peers, from teachers, employers, and even from spouses. Extreme situations might include children and extended family members, as well.
Rewriting Your Story
If you find you’re living someone else’s story, you’re not stuck, but the change will probably be a bit painful. Change usually involves some measure of discomfort. It’s also not something you’ll do in an afternoon. This may be a good excuse for a weekend retreat, but you definitely need to dedicate some time to it. It doesn’t have to be a solid block of time, but you need to make sure you can really think through it without distractions. Turn off the television and put your phone in a different room. Now, think about who you want to be. Define your authentic goals and aspirations. Authenticity has become an overused word, but it absolutely applies here. When you have identified your goals, write them down. This is the part, next, that will be really difficult: You need to learn to say no to expectations that don’t align with the story you’re going to write for yourself. Also, you need to understand that it’s not an event, it’s a process. You will experience incremental progress in the transition to a life that feels authentic.
Living Your Story
Now all the work comes to fruition. You will earn the right to celebrate your individuality. Your authenticity will bring you a great deal of power in creating and living a life that is fulfilling to you because it is yours, based on and shaped around your values, the things that are important to you. There will be people who have been accustomed to you living for their expectations, and they may resent your pivot. Resisting their insistence to revert to their story will take courage, but it passes, and it brings so much more joy and connection — to yourself, and to others who value your authenticity.
Your Turn
Even if your life is fulfilling, it’s worth the time it takes every so often to check into it and see if you’ve let someone else’s agenda creep into your life. It’s easy to let happen, because we value the acceptance of others, it’s part of Maslow’s Hierarchy. Your story is yours to write — start today!
Have you had a transition to a more authentic story? I’d love to hear about it! Drop a comment below and give a brief description of how you’ve come to do a better job of living authentically.
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